" I find that sticking with what I can control limits me from thinking about what I can't. "





1. Your productivity may be inconsistent

My productivity coincides with my mood. There are days where I can get up and conquer the world. I get everything done on my to-do list, and have enough energy to clean the kitchen. There are other days where I can barely get out of bed. I switch to survival mode and do the bare minimum. I am learning to work with my body instead of against it. I resist the need to do more than I'm able, and I make up for it on the days where I’m can tackle more tasks.
 
2. Some days you wish you didn’t exist, and other days you are happy to be  alive

On Monday I’m questioning why I’m here. On Tuesday, I’m excited about the new Batman Lego movie. It comes and goes. This is actually a good thing because I realize that it is a passing phase. Although I feel like crap on a specific day doesn’t mean that I will always feel that way. There are good things to look forward to in life. I just have to get through the bad days in order to enjoy the good ones.

3. Not all meds are created equal

Many people won’t try anti-depressants or anxiety meds because they think none of them work. Either that, or they try a few and apply their lack of success to every possible medication out there. It’s a trial and error. What works for you won’t work for someone else. Also, medications target different brain chemicals. Your depression may be caused by different factors. You have to find the medication that works best for you and your lifestyle.

4. Your therapist needs to have the same qualities as a potential mate

No need for a relationship with your therapist. However, you will find that you tend to look for the same characteristics in your therapist that you would look for in a partner. Can’t stand someone who cuts you off mid-sentence? Cringe when you think about someone who doesn’t acknowledge your feelings? You probably won’t like a therapist who does those things either.

5. You have to focus on your physical health to make up for your mental state
 
In my book, Unstoppable Joy, I dedicate a whole chapter to physical health. Mental and physical health are linked. What you lack in one, you will need to make up for in another. Just like those suffering from physical illness need to stay in good spirits to recover quickly, those suffering mentally need to build their body. Diet, exercise, sleep….all of these will either help or aggravate your condition. Whenever I get extremely depressed, I take a nap.  It helps me recharge.  When I don't get enough sleep, it makes my symptoms ten times worse.
 
6. You are more likely to have anxiety

The dreaded depression-anxiety spectrum. You think doom and gloom all the time, and you are more than likely going to freak yourself out. You think the world is coming to an end every other day. The only proven way I can limit my anxiety is practicing mindfulness. I focus on the here and now. It distracts me from dwelling on the past or thinking about the future. I also try to stick to my normal routine as much as possible. I find that sticking with what I can control limits me from thinking about the things I can’t.

7. And you will literally overthink everything
 
Did I leave the stove on? How am I going to pay my bills next year? What if so-and-so thinks I hate her because I haven’t text  back yet? And on and on…I end up having to remind myself of facts versus emotions. You see, feelings aren’t necessarily facts. I can feel like a failure, but I may be doing great in life. Then I recognize that maybe my feelings are trying to get the best of me.

The chaotic world in which we live makes it extremely challenging to maintain true peace and joy.  Many of us are overwhelmed by life’s burdens, troubled by both local and national news, doubtful of our unique purpose, and often let fear rule our lives. We welcome toxic people. We so easily lose hope. We crave real, down-to-earth encouragement just to keep our heads above water—to live our best!

There are many how-to books on the market. However, Unstoppable Joy is so much more. It includes important topics in an easy-to-understand format:

• Finding hope in seemingly hopeless situations
• Building self-esteem while recognizing self-worth
• Uncovering the secrets to lasting joy in your life
• Managing your mood for a more positive lifestyle
• Eliminating negative thinking
• Dealing with toxic relationships
  

This book also includes a healthy nutritional guide for optimal mental health, a mood-tracking calendar, and a self-care planner for lowering stress that can be easily customized to fit your needs.

You can order additional, autographed copies of Unstoppable Joy for $15 through my website at www.unstoppablejoybook.com.

It is also available at Barnes and Noble, as well as Amazon.com.

Ok, you really want to do better because it's a new year?  

So does 400 of your fellow Facebook friends, as well as your Instagram and Twitter followers....multiple gyms around the world, financial advisors, and anyone hoping you will spend hundreds of dollars to make your 2017 wildest dreams come true.

We see all your posts about what you are definitely changing.  We see the excitement during the first  week of the year. We see the oscar-winning performance of you whining as you refuse to go back to the lifestyle you claim to have left behind right before midnight on Dec 31st.
 
Let's be honest, I see right through that.

You are simply stating how you would like to better yourself out of some false sense of obligation on Jan 1st?

You're thinking, "I'll just write this status to trick myself and others into believing that I'm working on myself all year. That way when Dec 31st rolls around, I can at least say I tried."

You have no intention of really changing, do you?
 
Do you really want to be happy in 2017?  (Rather than taking on the same things or people who pissed you off in 2016).
 
Do you really want to be healthier?
…or are you simply going to let the same unhealthy choices continue to infect your mind and body.

You are sooo done with negativity.
At least until the same toxic people and situatons show up at your door, right?
 
My book Unstoppable Joy is currently $10 with free shipping through my website at www.unstoppablejoybook.com.

I intentionally left my $10 sale for the New Year for those who are serious about change...or for those who would rather invest $10 versus hundreds trying to better themselves. Many of you spent more than that on Christmas presents (We saw your holiday photos with more gifts than you can count). Are you still happy after you opened them?

You are quick to spend 10 times that amount getting your hair and makeup done to highlight your physical appearance. You look good on the outside, but still empty on the inside. You spend much of that on video games, clothes and a trip to McDonalds. Yet after you down that McFlurry, you  are still unfulfilled. I saw people invest $100 in a get rich quick scheme with plans to retire on a yacht somewhere. Yeah, how'd that work out for you? Yet, it amazes me how you won’t spend $10 to invest in changing your entire life for the better?

The new motto for 2017 is:  Things will only change when you do.

So, if 2017 doesn’t result in a new you, then take a hard look in the mirror…because the only person to blame is yourself.

 "Simply, to give in to your demands to be sad means that I contribute to your downfall. It's like the line you draw between helping those in need and being an active enabler to  their destruction."

The other day I read an article about "happy" social media posts. Those with mental illness were offended by such posts that somehow didn't take into account how sad they were feeling.  As a survivor and advocate, my response to this is a tad bit different than what most would expect.

You see, many assume my friends are inspired by me. In fact, to me, it is quite the opposite. I purposely surround myself with friends who sympathize with my pain. I surround myself with those who understand my struggle, but love me enough not to let me stay there. I have friends who will let me complain, but then talk me through solutions. Ones who will allow me to kick, scream, and cry until my eyes are red...then tell me to get up. Ones who will give me the space to be sad, but not allow me to sulk in self-pity and utter despair. Ones that understand that all I want is ice cream, but know that starving myself is not an option. Ones who will let me hide under the covers, but will also drag me out of bed.

I don't surround myself with friends who tell me to stay in bed as long as I would like. They don't lie to me in having me think it's okay to sleep my life away. I don't have friends who will stand by and let me eat cake for two weeks simply because I'm depressed. Therefore, I don't get offended when they choose to post something happy or humorous (and vice versa). We might as well get offended when people post healthy meals (while we sit around eating pizza). We might as well get upset when people post gym results (while we binge watch Netflix).

God forbid we become inspired by those making progress. God forbid we see it as hope--rather than some annoying friend trying to make us feel miserable. The harsh truth is that no one should cater to you. It sucks. However, you need people who practice tough love with compassion. It isn't because they want to see you suffer, but because they would rather not.  Simply, to give in to your demands to be sad means that I contribute to your downfall. It's like the line you draw between helping those in need and being an active enabler to  their destruction. 

You need friends who not only love you enough to see that, but who will hold you accountable until you see better days.

If you can't see it, then you need to surround yourself with people who can. Period.

 When you examine the cover of my newly released book, you couldn’t possibly imagine that the author of “Unstoppable Joy” would not somehow experience endless joy herself.

That’s far from the truth.

It’s easy to look on the outside and think that someone has it all together. It’s easy to assume that the smile planted on my face comes with a happy life. I’m not going to say that everything’s bad, but I also can’t lie and say that it’s been the best year. In fact, along with my book release date, came a number of challenges: loss, resigning from my job, illness, major life changes that I didn’t want to face (and was in no way prepared to make).

There was actually a point where I thought I had lost my mind.

Then I realized that I probably didn’t.

I told myself that if that were the case, I wouldn’t be well enough to know I’d lost it.

It was the only thing that convinced me that I might be okay.

However, through the pain I learned some valuable lessons. It’s helped me when I started to feel all was lost.


1.    I’m stronger than I think


 When the tough times hit, a major fear that literally consumes us is whether or not we feel we are strong enough to make it. You are stronger than your circumstances. You will make it. You will be okay. In fact, you  will be amazed at what you can get through, even when you doubt your ability to do so.

2.   Whether today is better (or worse) than yesterday, I’m still making progress

Most people severely underestimate the strides they’re making because they picture progress as a smooth journey. Today should be better than yesterday. Tomorrow should be better than today. If that doesn’t happen, then we believe we aren’t improving. Actually, progress is a time period of giant steps forward, followed by several setbacks. One bad day, week, or month doesn’t mean you aren’t getting any better. Life is like a roller coaster. It’s not a smooth, steady ride.  As long as you keep moving, you are still on the right track.

3.   God is still with me
 
The universe is still in my corner. My destiny is still intact.

Most of us don't give credit when the good occurs. Yet, we wonder why God abandoned us or what we did wrong when things go south. It’s hard to see that you did nothing to deserve the good or the bad. The harsh reality is that we all go through tough times. We all must endure them. I didn’t deserve to lose my grandparents, but I also didn’t do anything to warrant having two wonderful people in my life to love and care for me. It’s not fair that I had to leave my job after five years of searching. However, it’s also not fair that out of all the people who applied, I was chosen for the job in the first place. You have to look at the blessings in your life as well. Look at all the things that did go right. Look at all the people in your life who are still there that love and support you. Even if you are going through hell, you were still given the help to bear it. You’re still making it day-by-day and moment-by-moment.
 
4.   Life will never be perfect
 
When times seem hopeless, we always tend to point to a time where things were “better.” Yet, playing that “once upon a [perfect] time” only sends us on a downward spiral. I tried to think of a time in the past when things were “better.” Then I realized that during that period, I was thinking of a happier time.  Now, I wish I could go back to a time  when everyone was healthy. Before that, I longed for moments when certain loved ones were still with me. I find myself consumed with some magical point where all was right with the world.  Usually, that time period is around 1988 (I was in kindergarten…and all was well due to the free snacks and mandatory naptime). Which leads me to my last point…
 
5.   Normal goes out the window. I’m simply adjusting to my “new normal.”
After my grandmother passed away, I thought that life would never be the same again (and it wasn’t). As many people know, I lived with my mom and grandparents growing up. It was one of the biggest losses I ever had to face. I went from seeing her every day and even sleeping beside her on some nights to a huge void. The pain seemed unbearable. As a senior in high school, I even planned on staying home for college simply because my grandmother didn’t want me to leave her. She ended up leaving me. I was furious. I remember telling my mom, “I will never move on from this! It’s impossible. Things will never be normal again.” I was hoping she would deny that. Instead she replied, “I know. That’s the point. You’ll never get over it. This is what they call the new normal.”

The truth is I didn’t want a new normal, but my 17 years of “normal” spanned about four decades for my mom (she even stayed home for college). Whether 17 or 47 years, you can’t go back to life as usual when someone has that kind of an impact on you. If anything, a major change only makes you realize that normalcy is an illusion. It simply doesn’t exist. If everything went back to normal, then something would be wrong. It took me 17 years to realize the connection we had. There is no way you can be okay with losing that after a few weeks, months or years.

After 15 years…
Are things the same? No.
Are things better? Yes.

I simply stopped trying to force myself to get back to normal. Instead, I embraced a slow adjustment to the new me, a new routine, the strengthening of my relationships with those who I'm blessed to have in my life, discovering new activities to help me cope, finding creative ways to fill my time...

and, finally, learning that it is actually okay to enjoy life again.

Growing up, I watched so many people battle various diseases. I saw many of them get support. I saw them get treated. Even the simple things like someone picking up the phone to check in on them. Someone offering to cook them a meal. Someone offering to take them to the emergency room when they were sure something was wrong.

With me, I got the cliché responses like

• You are too blessed to be stressed
• You are too young to have all these problems. Enjoy your youth.
• You are going to find yourself so sad that eventually you will need meds. You don’t want that.
• You just need a nap. You’ll feel better when you wake up.

I can tell you that the pain of depression was very real, but the agony of being dismissed was far worse at times. Being the subject of jokes during holiday meals because I was too sensitive. Having everyone upset with me because I wasn’t feeling well…

It was the equivalent of getting reprimanded for having the flu, while your friends were told to stay home from school.

I didn’t quite understand why my feelings weren’t valid.

It actually sent a wave of panic whenever I would feel an episode coming. It was like fighting off the common cold—telling yourself you aren’t sick when you know that to be far from the truth.

I can’t be sick or everyone will be mad.
I can’t be sick because I still have so much to do.
I can’t be sick….

It was typical of growing up in the African-American community. No one had any recommendations for taking care of your mental health. All the remedies treated physical ailments. We had special broth for colds, sugar-free meals for diabetics, low sodium options for hypertension. Yet, the fact that depression couldn’t be treated with Tylenol and plenty of rest was baffling. 

It was downright frustrating.

“Why aren’t you feeling better?!?! You took two Tylenol earlier.”

I grew into the habit of just telling everyone I was okay. It proved a much easier alternative.

You see, people cared. They loved me. They just didn’t know what to do. They didn’t know how to stop my pain. To those looking in on the outside, that was hard to endure. Therefore, in order to make everyone else comfortable, I decided to convince them I was fine. It worked (sort of).

Then I grew up and learned that society operated just the same. “I’m fine” is the correct response whether you had the greatest day ever or the crappiest week. It didn’t matter. That’s what people wanted to hear, and protocol tells us that you give people what they want to hear (not what they need to know).

Oddly enough, I started realizing that more people struggled with depression than I would like to imagine. The only difference is they had mastered the routine of:

“Hi, How are you?”
“I’m fine.”

And that’s when I learned that it wasn’t my depression that was the problem.

It was the fact that I was horrible at denying it.

Now, I dedicate my life to mental health awareness so that no one else has to suffer in silence.

Trust me, I care. I understand if you aren’t fine. Believe me, it is okay not to be okay.

However, I’m here to let you know that there will come a day when you’ll say you are fine…

and actually mean it.